Substitute
by Riya
Summary: In Crystal Tokyo Raye learns that sometimes getting what you want costs far more than you are willing to pay. short & complete


Substitute.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailormoon.

This is from Raye's point of view, I am sorry if the names bother anyone but they are just the ones I am most familiar with. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

A very long time ago, almost longer than I care to admit now, I loved Darian. You have to remember that this was long before he was King of Crystal Tokyo, before he was Rini's father, before he was Serena's husband, before life the way we know it now existed.

Then, Serena and Darian didn't even get along and at the time none of us could have foreseen the future that they had together. To this day I doubt that any of my friends or even Darian himself knew of the depth of my feelings for him. It's possible that I didn't know of the depth of them myself until recently, until the world changed. A lot of people think when they hear the story of our girlhoods that I was angry or jealous of Serena. I don't think that I ever was, oh I admit freely that I was envious of what they had and that I wished that I too could experience the kind of love that they shared, in honesty I doubt that anyone who ever knew them as a couple wasn't envious at some stage. Who among us would not dream of experiencing what those two share, that perfect love that has stretched across a sea of years. It was never personal though, I never thought or felt badly of either of them. I loved them both to much to carry any ill will towards them. I celebrated their wedding with them with genuine joy, was beside them through all of the great triumphs of their lives, the defeat of great enemies, the rise of Crystal Tokyo, the birth of their beautiful daughter, and never once was I anything but happy for them. As the years passed Serena and I grew closer than even I could have imagined possible and, if there were lonely nights when I wondered what might have been so to were there also mornings when I recognized that all that was good and pure about love and life was described in each look that passed between them.

Perhaps I never felt the way about my own husband that I thought he deserved, I tried my best to love him and if I fell a little short on occasion I supposed that all love must pale in comparison to their bright and glorious love. When I lost him I grieved the loss of a husband and a friend but time if it doesn't heal at least makes things easier to accept. So I went on nearly as I had done before. Serena and Darian were wonderful during this time, though now I think about it perhaps it was Darian letting me cry on his shoulder so often that rekindled that flame that had smouldered inside me for so long ,even though I had never allowed myself to know it was there. It made me think back to those early days, and for the first time I felt a bitterness that my entire life I had prided myself on not having. I felt bitter because back in those first days of our lives together, I had been Darian's substitute for the love he searched for and had yet to find.

I cut myself off from my friends after my realization. I didn't want them to see the truth that I had so long ignored, but I knew them and I knew that they would see the dark poison of my bitterness and I was shamed. So I hid and thought and remembered. Then one day Serena became ill and I swallowed the bitterness that I had almost allowed to consume me because my Queen, my best friend was in pain. Amy was positive in the beginning telling us that Serena would be alright and that we just had to trust her science. Darian needed me during those dark days and I could not turn away even though being so close to him after my recent self discovery felt like the most powerful deceit. I was troubled greatly by my feelings of guilt at this time, while I was desperately worried for Serena I was also glad that it was I to whom Darian had turned for comfort. I salved my own traitorous heart with the knowledge that soon Serena would be well again and things would return to normal and that I would never ever reveal the true nature of my feelings towards Darian. It was then that Amy's manner changed when we went to see Serena. No longer was she so optimistic instead her answers became vague and it was not until Darian demanded that she tell him what was going on did she admit that Serena's health was not improving as had been hoped.

For more than a year Serena was kept in the hospital, while it fell more often to me to take over those duties that Darian could not fulfill in his kingdom. While Serena was in grave danger I thought no more of my feelings for her husband but after awhile she seemed to be suspended between illness and health, her condition neither lessened nor worsened and so we did what we could and spent as much time with her at the hospital as Amy would allow us. Towards the end of the second year Amy consented for Serena to be brought home. As much as we hated it we all knew that it was now only a waiting game.

It became my habit to visit Serena every morning at eleven o'clock, this was the time when Darian would finish his morning meetings and would sometimes accompany me to her rooms. I knew that he rarely went to see her alone anymore and he didn't need to tell me that it was because it hurt him so much to see her this way. She was now barely a shadow of her former self, and seeing her that way brought up the painful contrast between the healthy active woman she had been and the thin, frail woman she was now. Despite my feelings for Darian it was these times when I wished that it was I who was in that bed rather than her, it seemed to me that her light was to bright to fade from this world, I feared the darkness that would take us all over when she left it..

It was one of the mornings when Darian didn't accompany me to her bedside. I later learned that she had called him to her the previous night. When I saw her that morning I could see that she was ready to let go. She seemed resigned to her fate and oddly because of that she seemed stronger than she had in a long time.

"Raye," she said to me and smiled in such her old way that for a glimmer of a second I thought the tide had turned and she was going to recover.

"Raye, you have always been the one person who wasn't afraid to tell me the truth, you were always so strong for me and I knew even when everyone else thought that you were cruel and didn't care about me that you said everything you said out of love, to help me, to give me strength. It's been a long road, Raye . I'm nearly at the end of it." A tear slipped down my cheek then but I knew better than to contradict her.

"I'm not afraid of what comes next because I already know, I am going back to the moon kingdom. I have to go and rebuild things there. I have faith, Raye and you should too, you and I have died enough times to know that it isn't permanent." She sighed and sank bank into her pillows and closed her brilliant blue eyes, that time and illness had not been able to dim and for a minute I thought she was gone, then she spoke again. "I have nothing to worry about when I leave this place, so my only worry is for what I leave behind. I will miss you all terribly you and Darian especially and that is why I need you to do something for me. I need you to take care of him for me Raye. Only you have the strength to do it. I want you to love him, take all of that fiery mars passion and fill him up with it so that he doesn't grieve forever. Promise me Raye, promise that you will love him in my place." Her words had taken on a desperate tone and she was beginning to look stricken. The tears were rolling down my checks in a chain now and the pain inside was so strong that I could hardly understand what she was saying let alone the implication of her words.

"Promise me." She choked out a final time and her thin hand gripped mine.

"I promise Serena, I promise you anything just don't go."

"I have to Raye the Moon Kingdom needs me." She relaxed after I promised her and it was at this time Amy came in and told me to let Serena rest. I don't know whether she heard me say goodbye to her or not or tell her that I loved her, but it was the last words I ever spoke to the Queen of Crystal Tokyo. My best friend.

So I find myself at the end with Darian as at the beginning, and the price? The price was much to high.

And once again I find myself Serena's substitute and where once it made me bitter I am now honored beyond the telling of it to be considered worthy of standing where she once stood.


End file.
